


Starvation

by awkward_weirdo



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parents Maggie Tozier & Wentworth Tozier, Bulimia, Henry Bowers is Not That Bad, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I'm Bad At Tagging, Light Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Richie Tozier is a Mess, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Underage Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:48:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23975515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkward_weirdo/pseuds/awkward_weirdo
Summary: Richie always felt this starvation inside him. It was always with him so he learned how to survive with it.But he needed to live his whole life with it?
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 6
Kudos: 65





	Starvation

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you will enjoy it!

Richie was maybe 4 or 5 years old when he first heard the word _starvation._ He didn’t even know what that means.

„God, this kid surely starving for attention,” said the old woman behind the cash register. Her name tags said, _Martha._ Richie was a clever kid. He knows how to read himself the bedtime stories from his book. He was about to start school a few months from then. But he had some problems sometimes. He barely could be still, he **needed** to move all the time so he was a little worried about it. If he didn’t move he might explode in his desk. Stan,- Richie's best friend- said it was because Richie eats too much sugar and too many candies. His parents didn’t even care to think about what causes that, he was just that and it was annoying. If Richie was too annoying they would slap him, lock him in his room or throw him under the shower and release the cold water. He told Stan once his parents hit him. He had a huge bruise on his shoulder and Richie hate lying so he tells the truth. Why wouldn't he? That's what parents do when their kid is annoying. Richie always hears that word, **_annoying._ ** God, he hates it. ****

_„Richard, shut up! Your so annoying!”_

_„I can't believe you can't stand still, it's fucking annoying!”_

_„Maggie takes your son outta here he's fucking annoying. I wish he was never born”_

But Stan looks surprised. Too surprised. And Richie realized, his parents never hit him. He never had a bruise on his perfect pale skin. They never went to the hospital because he _fell_. So he said it was only a joke and make a funny accent to annoy Stan so he drops the theme.

Richie was always daydreaming. While of course, he was moving. Sometimes he just taps his fingers against the desk or he just would move his legs. He wakes up from the daydreaming to his mother's grip on his upper arm. He stopped circling around the shopping cart.

„Yeah he’s a real pain in the ass sometimes” his mother smiles at the woman and she smiles back at her as she could understand. While they walked out of the shop Richie looked at his mom.

„Ma, what starving means?” he tilted his head curiously and hopped a few where the cracks were on the ground.

„It means you're really really hungry” she sighed annoyed like Richie supposed to know what that means.

So Richie was hungry for attention. Not just hungry but really really hungry. Like when his Ma and Pa would leave for doing adult stuff, didn’t leave him any money or food, and came home a few days later. Richie would be very hungry by the time they arrived.

Richie didn’t ask anything else, he just thought with his little brain. He loved it when somebody gives him attention or when he can speak and others can't. So he really was starving but this time not food. Just some attention. He could buy some at the store? Or he would give money to his parents they would pay attention to him for once?

* * *

Richie was 7 years old when he found out he could die from starvation. He read a book and then it was there. One of the characters died from starvation. He could not believe what he was read.

He looks up to the calendar. His parents were out for almost 4 days. They leave him alone 4-5 days maximum but usually 2-3 days. It was okay, Richie had his books and his music. He wasn't lonely. He wasn't hungry for attention from his parents because when they give him attention it usually comes with pain.

He learned attention wasn't always a good thing in a hard way. And it matters who gives him attention, when and what’s the situation. There was Henry for example. Henry Bowers to be clear. He was 2 years older than him and he always paid attention to Richie. When they alone Henry would ask about his bruises and tells about his. But when Henry was with others, he was the one who would give him scars.

But if he wasn't starving for attention what was the emptiness inside him? He just felt something missing. And it hurts less when he was with others. Even if he would annoy them. Like Stan or their new friends, Billy and Eddie.

But he was really hungry though. Not just for attention but in the way he felt his stomach empty. He walked up to the fridge and looked inside. There were some cheap beer and some milk but that definitely went bad weeks ago. He searched the cabinet for food until he founded canned beans. It was not much but something. He looked at his reflection in the window. He tilted his head right and left and let his curves fall into his face and tickle his nose. He loved the feel of it. It reminded him of the other people's touches.

* * *

Richie was 11 when he first touched himself. That was the first time he heard the word faggot. Henry told him about it, about the masturbation and about the faggots too. Their parents were in the kitchen drinking so they needed to be together. They were in Henry's room, the walls were covered in posters and all they had is topless women or totally naked women in it. Richie looked up for one woman and everybody could see the disgust of his face.

„Why do you have this in your room? It's disgusting” he finally asked after a while. Henry just looked at him and shrugged his shoulders.

„You're too young to understand,” he said in a calm tone. It was a long time Richie would hear that tone and Henry didn’t talk to him to threatening him.

„Come on Hen, I wanna know. You know I'm really mature to my age” he usually pushed his luck trying to figure everything about the things other people don't want him to know. That's why he knows how to baby's birth.

„You know what? Okay, I feel like it anyways. Take off your pants” Henry was never the man of words. He likes to act instead of speaking and chatting. He walked over his door and locked it. Richie wasn't sure why he needed to take off his pants but he did it anyway. He trusted Henry when they were alone more than he ever adjusts himself. Henry sat beside him and pushed his pants to his knees.

Richie looked at the other boy member. He saw it a few times before but back then they were little. Henry’s looked different than his.

„You know when you see a woman that…You know… you find attractive, you will become exciting…horny. Your cock will be hard and you wanna fuck. But you are a nerdy virgin so you can't have sex yet, maybe when you will be cooler like me. But instead of sex, you could jerk off” yeah, Henry wasn't good at descriptions things. He shut his eyes down and grabbed his penis. Slowly he started to rub it with one hand and his penis became hard. Richie just watched him with open mouth.

„Wow, I’ve never seen anything like that before. How did you do it?” Richie was amazed. Henry always showed him the coolest things as he was really curious. He could do this too? His penis will become like that too?

„I dunno man, just whatever. Do it like it feels good it's not that hard” Henry opened his eyes and looks a little annoyed. Maybe it wasn't the best time for joking, but Richie wasn't the best at timing things.

„It looks hard” he added quickly and looked up in Henry's eyes. Both boys started to giggling in the stupid joke.

„Yeah, it's pretty hard. You know, you can do it too. Nobody stopping you” Henry felt a little weird touching himself when another boy was in the room with him. Richie nodded a quickly and Henry almost screamed in surprise when the little hands grabbed his cock.

„What the fuck are you doing?! Don’t touch mine!” he shouted Richie just that loud that their parents don’t hear it. When Henry's eyes met the other boy’s confused look he sighed. „If you touch other boys dicks, that’s gay, man. It's what faggots do. You know what a faggot mean, yeah? When a boy lets another boy fuck him in his ass or when a boy sucks a cock” Richie never heard the word before, but he never wants to hear it again. Henry basically spat the word out of his mouth like it was a bad thing. Richie never really thought about it, but if he needed to choose right there he would choose to touch Henry's dick again rather than touch what girls have. It looked scary from the posters.

„Sorry Hen, I didn't know. But what I need to do to wit mine’s to grow like this?” he looked at his penis and surprisingly he grew a little already. Henry just ignored him and started to stroke himself again, while Richie carefully touched himself. It was weird but it gave him chills and his body just felt good. So he looked down at Henry's hands and does exactly what Henrys did. While the pleasure built in him, he became more and more afraid of what he feels.

„Hen, I feel like need to pee” he slowly wanted to get up, but Henry grabbed his arms and shakes his head.

„It means you're close. You know… to come. You just need to let it happen” Henry didn’t let Richie's hands go and Richie just melt to the touch. He always liked it when people touched him, but nobody really touched him. His family touched him when they hurt him, the Bowers gang the same. Eddie didn’t touch him because he's dirty and Eddie didn’t like it when somebody is dirty. Bill sometimes hugged him with one arm, but he always said it was weird how Richie pressed against him so he stopped one point. The only one who touched him was Stan. But Stan didn’t like being touched, he didn’t like it when people hugged him or hold his hands so he usually just tapped at Richie's shoulders or brushed together with their arms. That was all he could do to Richie.

But now, while his body built more and more pleasure, Henry held his hands tightly. It hurt a little, but it was still a touch so he couldn’t hold back anymore. He whimpered a little while his body shakes a little and he saw stars. He looked at Henry after a few minutes, when he let his hands go and Henry looked back at him.

„See? Nothing to be afraid” Henry said and pull his pants back after he wiped himself clean. Richie imitated Henry's every move. He didn’t know what felt better, his first orgasm or the fingerprints burning deep into his skin.

* * *

Richie was 13 when he realized he was a faggot. Henry always used that word to Eddie but Eddie wasn't a fairy. Was he? It was after Beverly, Ben, and Mike joined their club. The Loser club. He knew Eddie was beautiful a long time ago then but it was only towards Eddie. And Eds was beautiful. He never saw more to it.

Not until he met Connor fucking Bowers cousin.

Richie and Henry weren't really buddies at the time. They nearly spoke since last year. But of course, Connor needed to have him as a cousin.

And Connor was just…hot. He liked to play with Richie Street Fighter, he laughed in his jokes. He even made Richie laughs with his jokes. He was taller than the other boy nearly but taller. His hair was like honey and those curls! He wanted to slide his fingers into it and lost them. The same way he lost in his ocean blue eyes. Connor always touched Richie. Sometimes it was a ghosted hand brushed to his own. Sometimes Connor hugged him tightly when nobody could saw them, behind the arcade. It was beautiful until it lasted. Connor helped him realized he was gay. A faggot. A fairy. A girly boy. He acted like he liked Richie back.

And then he broke his heart.

Richie didn’t know what hurt more. The fact that Connor didn’t like him or the fact that he wouldn't be touched again. He can be cooped with everything. If he could coop with his parents not coming home for weeks so it was nothing.

* * *

Richie was 13 and it was only a week ago since his heartbroken when he first hurt himself. His parents aren't home. They were never really are and if they were they were just ghosts. Or Richie was a ghost around them?

Richie punched his tights, his stupid fucking skinny tights. It wasn’t fair. Why was everybody so happy? Why couldn't he be happy? He wanted it so bad. He wanted to be loved. He was starving for it.

Starving for attention. Starving for touch. Starving for love.

Love…

He never had any chance to experient it.

What it felt like?

Somebody could love him? Or was it too much to ask?

He didn’t deserve it… He realized at this moment. In the middle of his room. His fist was still on his tights. He slowly looked up at the mirror. Who would love him? He looked like a skeleton. He was annoying. He was starving all the fucking time. For food. For attention. For touch. For love.

But he didn’t deserve it. It was almost relief for him. He didn’t worried anymore in the fact he was gay. He didn’t need to. He will never have a boyfriend so it was okay.

Richie was 13 when he started to punch his tights at first. Then his shoulders where his parents would do if they looked at him at least. But they didn't do that anymore. Like he wasn't even here.

Richie was 13 when he felt the punches weren't enough. He started to puke everything out he was eaten. He wasn't worth the food.

Richie was 13 when he started to cut himself. Always places where nobody saw it.

Richie was 13 when he never takes off his shirt anymore around people. He wasn't worth a sight.

Richie was 13 when he started to punish himself for feeling starvation. The only feeling he had since he was a kid.

* * *

Richie was 16, nearly 17 when he kissed Eddie. He didn't want to though. It just… happened. They were in their clubhouse, just hanging around while their friends were out to buy snacks when Richie played some music for Eddie. They were laughing and dancing just felt themselves, enjoyed the moment they had when Eddie tripped and fell. Luckily Richie was close to him so he caught him before he could fell off the ground. They were just standing, looked at each other's eyes while the music started to fade away and Eddie was the only thing in the world.

Eddie was perfect as always. He didn't have the baby fat anymore, that disappeared a long time ago. But the freckles didn't. The fucking freckles he wanted to kiss. Every freckle Eddie had. His eyes were so brown. So so brown it feels like it sucked everything inside his head, as he could read in Richie's mind. He looked down at Eddie's lips. That cute pink lips he had. He just wanted to kiss him until it was red and swollen. There was the starvation again. He was starving for Eddie…

_Hey Eddie, if you really can read in my mind… I fucking like you. Maybe love you. Since a long time ago. Could you not hate me? Please? You're too precious to me…_

And Eddie chuckled like he really could read his mind. And that meant he didn't mind that Richie liked him, right? So he hugged him tightly. He felt Eddie’s body warm on his own. He wanted to feel that all the time. He leaned closer. He could feel Eddie's scents. Clean and somehow woody. It had some kind of warm tone in it. Something from the woods. It was perfect.

And Richie kissed him. Not a real kiss just a little kiss in his lips. But it was more than he would ever dare to imagine.

And then silence fell between them. Eddie didn’t push him away but he didn't move closer either. He just froze.

„Are you gay?” the question was sudden and harsher than Eddie wanted. Richie looked away embarrassed. Being gay really bad after that. He couldn’t speak he couldn't say it. He tried before, but it was too painful. So he just nodded a little. Eddie nodded too after him. „Why did you kiss me?” he asked gentler but Richie just physically couldn't speak right now so he just shut his eyes and shake his head. They didn't move again for a few moments. „Do you like me?” the question was sudden but much gentler than he ever heard anything. It wasn't to hurt him it was just curiously. Richie just slowly nodded he didn’t want to look at Eddie, but Eddie grabbed his face between his warm hands and forced Richie to look at him.

After their eyes meet again, Richie's eyes are full of self-hate and embarrassed. But Eddie's eyes were full of love and hope.

**He kissed back.**

* * *

Richie was still 16 when Eddie discovered his secret. They were dating for 2 months, that wasn't long but Richie loved every minute of it. It was the time when Eddie realized Richie never really ate. Or that his parents were never home, never gave him money for food or clothes. Eddie just wanted to help him.

Eddie was angry at him when he first saw the cuts. He was so angry Richie was so afraid. Just shut down his eyes tightly and waited for the punch. He wanted Eddie to punch him so he would forgive him after. But the fist never came. When he opened his eyes Eddie looked at him worried. He never would hit him. He said that to him all the time since that day. They spoke that day. Until the next morning. They spoke about everything.

„I’m starving” Richie spoke softly in the sunrise, cuddle close to Eddie.

„I could eat too” Eddie gently petting his hair. Richie just shook his head and looked up to Eddie. His eyes were sad and embarrassed again.

„I’m hungry too but that wasn't the thing I meant. I mean I’m **always** starving. Always starving for food..” he started slowly swallowed a big.

„You're a skeleton, you need to eat all the time. I will look after you from now on.” Eddie commented, but Richie just shook his head again.

„I’m always hungry Eddie. It’s like I have this thing inside me that destroys everything. Not the food, my… my soul. My brain. I’m always starving for attention. I… I **need** people to pay attention to me. I’m starving for touches. I want to be held all the time. Like now. I want to feel your hands around me. I want to kiss you always. I want Beverly to hold my hands, I want to sit in Mikes lap, I want to tuck my head into Stan's neck, I want to hold Billy's hands, I want to hugs Ben. But the worse is with you. Whit the other’s it’s just hunger I can stand it. But when it comes to you I’m starving. I feel like I could die if you don’t touch me! I’m starving for love Eddie. I feel like I’ll die if somebody doesn't love me. If you don't love me. I feel like I’m going to die… It’s just- It’s just too much pain too much starvation. So I…So I cut myself. To feel something else. And if the wound is healing the starvation becomes just hunger. But it’s always growing back again” Richie sobbed, cried into Eddie’s neck. He's a mess, he couldn't hold it anymore. He hated lies! He felt asleep in Eddie's arm.

* * *

Richie was finally 17 when Bev found out his secret. Not that he was gay. That was an open secret inside their friend's group.

When somebody asked Richie if he was gay, he just played it cool, joking with the other mom. But when they ask him about how a guy looking at the street, he checked him out with Bev and discuss he was hot or not. The best thing wasn't the fact that the other Losers didn't care he was gay. Or that fact if the other Losers entered the room too suddenly where just Eddie and Richie were in it, they were always all over each other. Messy hair, messy clothes, and swollen, wet, red lips. Noo… That was perfect too.

But the best thing… He could do „I fucked your dad” jokes too!

But she found out the cuts.

He was doing so much better though. Better with Eddie. He ate normally he even gained weight so he didn’t look like a skeleton, like before. Of course, he was still skinny but not all his bones were out. He didn’t cut himself not even punching. If he felt anxious he called Eddie or just imagined Eddie next to his side and he was better. Of course, there were bad days when he was starving and he couldn't find Eddie or Eddie had a bad day too and called Richie annoying. Richie would back off and starve again. Starve himself with everything. He didn’t eat, didn’t speak, and didn’t let anyone touch him. But Eddie always brought him back.

Richie was standing in his room with Beverly. He was having a birthday party a few days away and Bev came over to help him clean the house. Parents nowhere to find so it was okay. They were joking and for fun, she poured a little water in him. He went to his room to change his clothes when she opened the room. And Richie is standing before him in his underwear. All his ribs were out poking his skin, all his cuts were exposed for her sight. She just looked at him so much worried in her eyes.

„It’s going to be better if you leave” Richie spoke up finally shut his door right in front of her face and waited until he heard the front door open and close. And she was gone. He immediately called Eddie. Spoke a little but he seems off a little a few minutes passed and he quickly hanged up on Richie. Richie wondered if it was Eddie's mom or he needed to worrying?

What he didn’t know that while they have spoken a very worried and crying Beverly turning up in Eddie's bedroom window and knocking gently in the glass. He didn’t know that they spoke about how bad Richie was and how was he doing better. He didn’t know, not much after that, all the Losers know how Richie was doing.

And what he didn’t even dare to dream of they discuss how they could help him.

* * *

Richie was in his 17 birthday party when he finds out everyone knew who he was in reality. Not the famous trash mouth. Just an insecure little faggot.

But he didn’t mind anymore.

Richie was 17 and he was resting on the sofa, his head in Mike's lap while the older boy slowly eating Richie's chocolate cake. Eddie sitting close to him. His long legs were in Eddie's lap. Stan sitting next to Mike, slowly petting Richie's hair, playing with his curls. Ben was standing not too far taking pictures of them but mostly just of Beverly, then sat next to Eddie and quietly spoke about school. And of course, Bev was sitting next to the sofa, holding Richie's right hand while she was painting his nails with death black nail polish. It was just black but death black didn’t sound that gay. Billy came back from the kitchen with more cake and sat next to Bev helping him painting Richies nails but mostly just fucked up the already half dry nail polish.

Richie was resting with tears in his eyes.

Richie was 17 when he felt loved for the first time in his life.

Richie was 17 when he said for the first time I love you.

„I love you guys. Really, I do. Even though I fucked every one of your dads and moms” he sniffed a few times, he wiped the tears off his face. He felt the surprised look at him and heard a few giggles for his stupid joke. Then he heard everyone, felt everyone, praising him, telling him how much they love him, and how important he was to them. He felt everyone touched him he felt Eddie basically lay on top of him just to hug him.

Richie was 17 years old when the first time in his life he wasn't starving. He was completed. He was full. Full of cake. Full of attention. Full of touch. Full of love. He had finally, a family that loved him. He was important.

**Richie was 17 and he finally wasn't starving anymore.**

Richie was 17 when he felt the deathly starvation -that he was so scared all in his life- for the last time.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> If it's not too hard could you leave some advice for me? English is not my mother language but I hope I didn't mess it up too bad.


End file.
